We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
