I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
