david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
