I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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