I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
