I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
