The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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