I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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