She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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