I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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