I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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