We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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