I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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