im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
