My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
