Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
