Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The power of my boobs compel you
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
