I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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