I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
