great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
