Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
