when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
