I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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