I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize