apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
