Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My bed smells like the plague
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
