If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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