allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
