She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
