I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
