Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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