Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
