I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
