My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
