Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
