I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
