Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
