I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
