what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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