i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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