By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
