dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
