does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
