hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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