Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
