ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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