are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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