Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize