I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
