Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
