uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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