i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
