went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
