I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
