so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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