I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
